Life in circles

What motivates anyone to move to different cities. For me it is always to break the routine. But moving countries ?personally it has been very difficult but essential. Reasons can be myriad ...return before i hit a point of no return. Move back for family and friends and in between this realize my dream of living in a small uncrowded serene village with amenities enough for a comfortable if not luxurious life (ok this will take a long time but atleast a step in that direction is progress no?). Also i can smell any little bit of racism like a rat and i hated it everytime it happened either to me personally or when i was witness to any such thing. Of course i would try as hard as i could to give it back. Like the one time we stayed in a hostel somewhere in bay of islands, a particularly old and grumpy granny was trying to talk to us to get the point across types. Like we are from a 3rd world dirty useless country. Ok yeah so what... i would have left it there. But she dint come from a bright minded open happy society either and worse she was deluded that she belonged to one such. I used to try and be clever and convince them that but what' the point? I felt I became extremely defensive almost thumping my chest to defend all about India. I never boarded the plane from Bangalore convinced that it was the happiest thing for me to do. I was on my way to be the epitome of robot like efficient woman who could do it all. Care for prash and k, run, cook, clean, study, work , go on exotic holidays  entertain frds with good food and humor, read books for variety etc etc.A part of me always remained here. Somehow i had a feeling i was becoming shallow. what and who mattered to me was so thin . There was no big picture in life. we could continue like that for years. Own half-a-million dollar house, work on making it a home ...in a place where i never felt i like belonged to the community.... where i never felt like giving from the heart. basically i could sense this conflict of interest every now and then. And conflict is not good for mental health. So i had to move. There was a time in life when all i wanted was a good night's undisturbed sleep. NZ gave me that then. I remember how prash and i were just 2 of us for a long time in welli. Now we are at the same stage. No friends to cal at midnight typically my unwind time;).  Its like i have been here doing the exact same thing sometime before. Trying to build yet again my boat. There are a few things to be happy about and proud of. I hope i dont give up on efficiency and become one of swalpa adjust maadkolli mentality. 

Now that the move is complete. well almost! I often think where to start. I commute in autos quite frequently and sometimes i get chatty with the auto drivers. I am confused about my feelings for auto drivers. As a profession, whatever anyone chooses to do, they deserve respect.... as long as they respect wat they do. Watchmen, maids, cleaners, petty shop keepers, auto drivers. How do you tell someone its ok to do what you are doing. Dont be so disrespectful to yourself and to your job. Ok may be no one can love driving an auto or cleaning the streets but atleast respect it. realise that its earning you money. I am beginning to realise the problems(ok nothing life alteringly new ). There is too many of us. There can only be so many opportunities. Some smart/lucky/genuine people get the opportunity and make it. Most dont. This obviously breeds jealousy and i-cant-care-less-about-u attitude.

In welli or NZ, the govt supports the homeless, helpless and people are given a 100 opportunities to try and make a living .

The other thing is everyone wants to be rich. y? because if u r not rich, you cannot afford for example say the best of the medical facilities. I mean who doesn't want their child/loved one to be treated by the best. In NZ, everyone goes to the council hosp. I delivered my baby there and am sure so did the plumber's wife or the receptionist or the sales girl.They dont need to have loads of cash to get basic facilities. 

Every one says its the attitude problem here. So very true...but how did this attitude come about to be in the first place? I am confused if i can say its ok... continue to drive ur auto or wipe the glass doors for the rest of your life because if there is an emergency, am sure they will perish whereas i will atleast have the chance to try my best not to because I can afford to go a branded hospital. This equality ..how can that be brought about? I am tempted towards communist approach. The haves will do away with the excess and the havenots will get a share . Somewhere down the lane in a few decades we will all be able afford the basics and then let people go after their monies and keep what they earn. But of course that wont work!. May b we dont want that extremity but wat other choices? Lets try to be honest and pay what we owe?

The problem with the people in power. The karnataka government for example is a joke .totally. Its like a round robin way of amassing wealth. Ok i will be chief min for 6 months next is ur turn types. and then oh i made a few 1000 crores less than u did so i want to be CM again. I happened to hear of a civil engineer who takes care of road works in a certain part of blore. He said very honestly that he gets about 30000 rs as bribe for a kilometer length of new road laid out. He told that he was not asking for bribes per se and also went on to say he was against it but then gave an excuse that he alone cannot change anything(*sigh*). And if he dint take what came his way then it would go off to someone else's pocket. He is the leaf of the tree meaning, the 30k has trickled down to him as a leftover after everyone else is satisfied with their share from the contractor. Appalling . Now of the 1 crore per km of the road that any contractor is to spend, 90 lakhs is for bribing. The rest a meager 10% is for the actual road. Naturally, it will not weather a single monsoon season and the story repeats with another contractor, another set of officials etc. Its impossible to think of anything anyone can do here without being in power.

I think health and education in that order are most important  for a society. I regret that i dint study to be a doctor when i had a chance. But then doctors are not the only ones who can cure no? Emotional well being and hygiene can prevent the diseases. What does one do with a section of the society that gives a rats-ass about rats in one's own home?

So its all circling round and round...all these thoughts....

Life in blore

Being a full time writer must be a very difficult thing. How can anyone manage to be creative all the time.
In my opinion, one is at one's creative best when one is not stressed. When there is no dropdead date around the corner. Then what motivates them? The desire from deep within, the passion can only last so long no? I somehow am very driven when I know I need to finish this by then. If not my jobs are mostly complete like 90% done and the rest 10% is always work in progress because I can never feel its perfect.Sometimes i feel i need to try atleast a little harder to write things more meaningful than my mundane observations of daily life. Something i am beginning to do.... despite despising it ever since my i-want-to-have-a-blog-of-my-own days. Oh well ... this too shall pass;).
Also i love my new maid. She cleans the floor spic and span. Like a mirror. Like how i love it to be. Its just like how i mop my house:) Thats another thing i keep thinking. back in welli, Prash and I did the housekeeping. All the time. Even when we had a tiny one to take care of. Even when she had diahorrea.How did we manage the show? I have no clue now all i know now is its very difficult to be independent in bangalore. Its almost impossible without a help to keep the house clean. May be because there is so much dust that we have to mop everyday. Like... in welli i could vaccuum the carpeted area once in 3 days and we would still be good(with the baby too). Here I need the floor swept and moped everyday.. if i had my way it would be twice a day but then passion becomes obsession at that stage i would imagine;). Anyways point is I am dependent on my maid to clean the floor everyday. Meaning i get frustrated if she does not turn up somedays. If she neglects a room sometimes. I feel helpless. Its something i cant do anything about because practically i dont have the luxury of spending an hour a day to clean the house. 2 hours a week was do-able. 2 hours a day nope. i have better use for my time. Its a compromise in my daily life. worth it?
Also commute to work. Now driving in this city is a nightmare(surprise surprise!) plus who wants to add to the smoke and noise? So i tried running to work one day. There is so much impracticality around it seriously i am not making excuses but its not possible to run everyday to work. I am chicken to cycle all the way. I love me way too much to take the risk of getting run over by some headless driver. Dont know wat to do.
I am now in a phase of "fix it" meaning I am slowly accepting the reality that Bangalore is. Its probably a step in the right direction. Accept things as they are and stop the negativity thats getting to you. I dont want to be dissatisfied ever. Fix it if its causing dissatisfaction. Simple no? oh well just like all simple things in life ....

Here and there

Where does one stop the detailing out. I am soo tempted to write a "when-u-accidentally-land-in-a-city-all-by-urself" guide to Paris. I/we always do half homework bfore going to a place. In part because there is no need to struggle to find the basics and stop it there. There needs to remain a certain amount of curiosity when u see a new place. new ways. I hate the internet sometimes just for that reason. When i have a question prash has the answer ready out of the internet. Its nice when i am starving and cud eat him alive for food. But then i have royally spoilt the possibility of finding something nicer no?
When i came to Paris this time, I was a blank paper. Of course i knew Champs-Elysees and Eiffel tower (but then who doesnt). But that was it. As much fun and enriching the experience was I must admit I missed my company. I missed the spirit of Bangalore. Well life is such isn it.. iruvudellava bittu iradudaredege tudivudey jeevana(says one of my fave poets gopalakrishna adiga)
Its definitely not been easy on me or my family in Bangalore , the last 7 months. Its taken these many months for life to feel normal again. But I can see it coming. For all I know I may not live in Bangalore forever. But right now my heart says all eeezz well. I dont know if I am still riding high from the Independence day buzz but it sure does feel good when Khushi asks for 'jana gana mana' as a lullaby n sings in bits with me. So what does one do to celebrate independence day? First off crib and complain. This is not right, that definitely has to change etc.
Then pledge to do something.
On another note.. the Olympics was fun this year to follow. Its very hard to believe that Indians care about or win in any sport other than cricket.
On a totally different note :How did draupadi manage 5 husbands? How did society accept it? then have we regressed since? No points for guessing what I am reading. I really need to stop reading the versions and interpretations of Indian epics or author's take on them.
Oh well...
I should probably write about great Indian workplace. The work culture or the lack thereof. The ridiculousness of it all I tell u!

Paree

Living in a new city is like breath of fresh air. I am so much in awe of this new humungous city.. the sheer size has stumped me. It also seems to me like its a breeze for everyone around but i struggle to find my way.
Now realise should have never given up learning French! Am beginning to like Paris but also counting days before i leave.
The Eiffel tower has got to be the most touted yet a little disappointing structure. For me personally atleast.
Instead the metro rail has had me in awe! what engineering ! what vision!.
The most baffling thing so far has been to come to terms with the idea of crossing country borders in single digit hours. how! From France to Germany on TGV was ok. But Germany to Austria in 30 mins... to fill petrol coz its 20 cents cheaper really??? ya!
Running around the city finding the small little cafes and the pretty buildings.Orange yellow, red, fuchsia tiny flowers from the pots of the balconies. The annoying puffs of cigarette and dog poos i need to watch out for on every single street.The fashion aware crowd! I am so glad people realise track pants+sneakers are not acceptable anywhere ...except indoors(may b!). There is a note of perfumes i recognize.. chanel no5, YSL or the fave issey miyake. All men look dapper. So very impressed! Every city has a unique signature and for me so far Paris == Pretty. The windows/displays of the stores are so well thought out. I dont know if its arty but it sure is a welcome change. So very inviting! God give me the power to know when to stop shopping :D

Place or Person

Sometimes i wonder which is the overriding factor. The place a person lives in or the person's personality itself. This was an undoubted fact in my mind . The person of course. I mean the place is external isn't it. What u r from within is what u r. wherever u r no? Apparently i have been proved wrong. This whole move to Bangalore business has turned all i believed in upside down. Now I am willing to think a place makes a person.  A man is a collection of places he has lived in (quoting with all due credit to A.S.Byatt ).
Would the rich and famous be the same if they were to live elsewhere ?

On another note : Reading autobiographies is fun. I rarely have the urge to Know more about authors.
I can count the number of autobiographies i have read all my life. But something about the this title intrigued me and I gave in. Mainly because i remember thinking what do people think about when they run. Is it the joy of accomplishment that awaits at the finish line. Is it the scenery around. or ..? Secondly it was Mr. Murakami!!!! and lastly it was a small one. :) So i finished reading "what i talk about when i talk about running" and now I need to do that long run I have been putting off

When it rains

When it rains it pours :) no its not raining in Bangalore yet.
All of a sudden everyone is friendly and happy. They are all nice to you. Everything is in order (or so it seems) and working. Its like a sudden clearing of a bottleneck.
Happy for now!

Flexing it

My mind is highly inflexible at times. I had not noticed this. I am thinking its because of age/experience factor. Like its very difficult to impress me now.Its very rare that something or someone blows my mind away these days. This has probably reduced my tolerance to error. Prash says my expectations are too high! I cant understand how someone cannot send a Fax to a given number. That too a person who claims its his job? ridiculous no? and when I tell the fax-guy this, everyone else gives me a "let him go lady" look. Why does everyone around not complain about substandard service? Is being mediocre the new rage? did i miss the message somehow?
On another note, Bangalore is starting to seem tame-able. Of course what we had expected was very different. But what is life if not a lesson? I have come here to try something . I WILL TRY.Its not easy. But not impossible either. Nothing can take my strength away from me.
After a lot of brainstorming and discussing (cussing more i think!) changing the route to the destination so we dont get lost (to speak metaphorically) we are here.
I have started reading again. I mean up-till-dawn type  reading and its so much fun :)

To be or not to be - 1

I miss my work .The 8 hours of just me and my mind. The conversations i used to have in my head while making coffee in the cafeteria. The relationship with my laptop and lines of code. The interesting and irrelavent conversation with my workmates. This somehow kept me calm for the other 16 hours. Bottomline I miss my job very badly!
Very slowly I am coming to realise the big Indian picture. To have seen a better society, to have changed personally or shall I say to have become better at many many things by living elsewhere, I had this revolutionary urge. Not the hyped up patriotic crying @ swades songs etc but a desire from deep within to change the society i grew up in for what i consider better. But of course, wanting to change is meaningful only when there is a want to change. In this mass (mess?) of people and things I am getting lost. I am loosing the grip I had on my life, like how I could what I wanted with my life.
Where does one draw a line between optimism and sheer foolhardiness?
Sometimes its a shame really to think that the only comforting thought in my mind is that I can leave all of this and in 20 odd hours be gone back to the other end of the spectrum. Strange that I feel total disconnect with the place and people I was with for most of my life. That all this should frustrate me so much over and over again.
But the sun's set for today. Tomorrow is going to be a new day with a new way and of course new challenges!

This and That

Sometimes i think that i am trying to create my own wellington in blore just like how i tried n tried to create my own India in wellington. Just a thought.

Things that i had internalised without realising :
 using a card. For everything. asking for cash outs.
saying hello instead of chennagiddira.
Trusting everyone or anyone to mean what they say and keep up time/promise. Am now realising there is no keeping up promise here only compromise ( com-promise ...Love it when i can play with words! )

Things make me feel reassured its right to have come back
Enjoying carnatic classical music sitting in an open air auditorium with like minded audience. Khushi seems to favor Mridanga more than vocal or any other instrument and i like the fact she does not get bored till about half an hour into a concert. The best one so far has to be U Srinivas' mandolin. Such melody! Mandolin is somewhere inbetween a flute and a violin. Not as loud as the violin and not as soft as the flute. Thoroughly njoyed it. When he played the kaapi raaga( purandara daasa's Aadisidaleshoda) i nearly cried. dunno y. The melancholic songs and raagas that convey sadness appeal most to me. As if the composer put more of himself into the composition while conveying shoka rasA than the hasya/happy  rasA.

India the nation and the notion of India i had are drastically different.
but i have fit into this soo seamlessly. its like i never left. sometimes ppl and their behaviour suffocate me. choke me in fact. this curiosity to know every single detail of my personal life. These unabashed, extremely intrusive questions... y? does any1 care about such things i cant reason. but i can see that all my relatives do.
its not easy to make or remain friends with anyone now. May be its the phase i am in. or may b every1 lives in a self sufficient cocoon. I have met my closestestest friend only once. Haven't even called ppl i shud have many moons ago....and neither seem to care or notice it.

Maid in India! is another humongous post worthy topic. The one i have is for basic sweeping n moping. The rest of the housekeeping i do it myself as i will never be happy with the way some1 else will do it. Yet the maid is perennially complaining. Everyone is good at giving reasons here to escape responsibility. Auto drivers, electricians, plumbers, other helper-folk. In one instance i was highly inconvenienced by some1 who promised blah blah... and afterwards told me such a long n believable story i ended up saying sorry to have yelled at him!  and this i realized after prash walked up to me n said " huh what just happened.. did u realise? he wasted ur time n money n energy n caused us soo much inconvenience and u said Sorry to him n paid him some more ". Everything is funny in retrospect but life is extremely challenging on a daily basis.

Tried Artistic yoga yesterday. Seemed like a more commercialized product. Not loving it. Nothing beats running, swimming or hot yoga to rev up a dull day IMHO. ( not all in the same day though ;))

Favourite activities

Crushing dried leaves on 7th cross malleswaram as the lil one and I walked on them.
Watching the fountain dance to the music @ JP Park.
Eating yummiest benne masale dose @ CTR and railway station bhatra angadi Idlis.
Drinking strong piping hot filter coffee early morning n reading the news paper. This is something i had not done in years. The news is insightful. the analysis is thorough and in depth. For every event there is a view and counter view. Its exciting to read the newspaper here. I followed thoroughly the UP elections & of course the great Indian Budget :). This is all so different from the kind of journalism i was subjected to in NZ.
Watched a beautiful(?) yakshagaana play yesterday. I like the energy and passion they display on stage. The songs, thaala, maddale, the dance that is a magical art to my eyes. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Next month is going to awesome listening to the classical music concerts in open air theaters :) Yet to watch a nataka though!

8th cross

smell sound and sights of 8th cross malleswaram cannot be beaten during festival season.Walking down the road this evening affirmed it more.It has been many years since i've felt a festival triggered high. The general feel good cheer factor.The "series lights" hung up above ( how safe i dont know!) throughout the length of the road. Stores playing loud music each clashing with another and of course totally irrelvant to Ugadi occasion.Songs like baanallu neene, aakashave belali mele etc. some instrumental and then suddenly "collegeu gate nalli chombeshwara" . The kharga dancers (why? i dont know but nobody seems to care about y ...vonly nodi yenjaay maadi maydaam).  Typical  smell emnating from the ubiquitous chaat shops. the unmistakble smeel of paani + pineapple juice together. Every1 seemed happy. even the grumpy veggie vendors. Saree stores sales man (can u belive?)
That is something i have found most annoying so far. the indifference and rude behaviour. I mean come on i am ur customer. u have to give me swalpa ok ishte ishtu swalpa attentionnu guru. Of how being below average and most times bad is accpetable.  we went to watch a movie and as i do bfore i leave the house i had mentally readied myself that it will b nothing like i imagine it to be (ok go figure what i meant there ??).
We paid a lot of money n bought coke+popcorn . both were hopeless. I mean coke tasted diluted n was without fizzz and the popcorn.. ok forget it. i just had dinner.When i asked the guy @ the counter he is laughing @ me n saying "night show maydum en maadana",(what night show? i asked u abt bad popcorn?) Interval was very weird. how can u cut the thot process like that? i mean really now is a glass of fizzed out coke+non crispy odd smelling popcorn more exciting than the movie? It really felt very weird after many movies without them. Did i find it odd that there was no interval when i first watched a movie in NZ? dont know. shud have known. but no.
That is one of the reasons i want to write these small things down. i will forget in a few days. like i forget EVERYTHING all the time.
Anyhoo malleswaram was nice today. Did lots of shopping jumping onto the festival bandwagon. have a card will ujju n buy ;). was it needed? not really but then its UGAAAAAAAAAADI. (really do i care abt ugadi? but its total majja to see a busy market work magically fine. the people keep walking , cars keep moving on the same road at the same time (how?). Every1 gives discount, no one is rude and its my daughter's first celebration of a festival. She thinks it means getting gifts n eating jamoons and lighting agarbathis. lots of all of them.

Bangalore

This and most likely a lot of posts from now on are going to be on homecoming and the ups and downs in my daily life because of it. The weeks are whizzing by so fast that i feel old not being able to recollect what i did a couple of days ago. Bangalore is an amazing place. In my 2 weeks here so far, i have nearly fainted more than a dozen times .The dizziness caused by the traffic . The vehicle drivers almost have an unwritten code to not follow any rule. Its my way n its the only way .of course yes Mr. auto driver.Its best not to interfere.Prash has this i will be the saint follow the rule wait till a pedestrian crosses the road etc rules. I on the other hand dont care about anybody crossing road where they should not be or driving in the wrong lane etc. Its the right way n i wont budge if u have an SUV ( now an SUV in malleswaram is totally inconvenient for the driver as i can see but the owner has to show off no?). I fight with random ppl  and shout "ellige manega melakka?" etc. I even get annoyed if Prash does not give a piece of his voice to the wrong-doers (hopelessly wrong I mean driving a truck in the wrong direction on a one way types wrong).
Its annoying every second.ppl dont walk on foootpaths bcoz they r dirty n stinking/cars parked/trees grown/rangoli is drawn??!!. So in order to avoid running over them, the drivers navigate in a random zig-zag path and ur chance to survive depends totally on ur instinct/mathematical genius to calculate the probability of the combination of peds+driver in front+driver bhind always eager to overtake u+(epsilon for random distractions like a dog/cat running into ur wheels etc).
The cargo collection @ the airport is an award-worthy story.We entered the parking lot after being advised by a couple of guys that 2 cartons should take us about 20 mins to clear.We ended up spending more than 8 hours there why? is funny in retrospect but on that i nearly killed myself for having thought transporting my used books+shoes should be a cake walk. The customs inspector cleared the items and was tad disappointed that we dint try to smuggle in dutiable goods as otherwise. Then came the epic. A data entry operator who to me looked like was there was typing training enter the magical Airwaybill (AWB). he asked us to wait in an adjacent room for 15 min. We have bcum super good @ utilizing time. So we called some1 we were meaning to talk to and had a good conversation. we spent close to half an hour talking on the fone n about the call a while after it n reminiscing etc etc. finally realised it was time to return to reality and went to check the collect the  clearance form Oh ur AWB is wrong Mr.data entry said. I get annoyed ok ANGRY when some1 says I made this huge mistake so i went up to his computer and took out 3 forms n matched the number n not to my surprise found the magical digits to be the same.
Customes officer : go call ur airlines n ask them to correct it,
us (me/prash) : but its the same num we have from Air NZ. it cant b wrong
CO: arrreyyyy it happens all the time *yawns* . it will take u 2 hours go call now.
        before this bloody computer it took us 2 minutes. stamp othida sign haakida hogi anda. Now keep on           entering numbers n pray. yappa so much trouble.
us: *confused/helpless* ok.
After this we went back n forth between 3 offices in burning hot sun for close to 2 hours n i was back to my fight n shout @ random ppl. Worst was 1 guy taking majja looking @ us n playing  the new superhit "pyaarge aagbittaithe" @ such high volumes that it made listening to the officer over the counter nearly impossible.If prash hadnt realized that i had lost it and stopped me (ok by stop i mean hold my wrist tightly n giving me a hard stare ) i would have snatched his mobile n thrown it away. After paying fees in thousands (no bribes so far so yay!) we managed to get the clearance @ 5 in the evening.
CO: yavery vone has taken their baggage n gone home  u ppl paapa
me: thumba maja bartha ide alva nimge ? hahaha
prash: exasperated n annoyed @ me for such comments n throwing up his hands in the air.
To cut a long story short , some1 in Mumbai customs had entered the airline code wrong n to correct it took 5 ppl half a day n 50 Rs.
On the way back prash drove like a maniac n reached the city in 45 min.
I got busy looking @ ads on huge billboards.Most of them for that dream home/car. one of them said "if u want to experience venice in the heart of ....." WTF if u want to experience venice go to venice! no? no apparently u can pay some crores .
When I noticed, i was folding my hands in prayer and couldn't help but agree with upendra " bangalore city what a pity". This city is very different to the bangalore i knew. There is urge to display wealth. EVERYWHERE. in terms of over the top jewelley, houses, home decor,cars. The arrogance of the rich who think they can ask the driver to stop the car on a very busy road for the lady to alight the jaguar she was cocooned in is beyond my comprehension.
This in ur face  vulgar display of wealth. The beggars and street vendors. This huge disparity and how every1 thinks its normal to raise ur voice against some1 because they r not rich. why the suppressed accept it?
I am beginning to realize that it will take me a very long time to feel @ home here.

Time to move on?

when a place like paekakariki does not WOW you anymore its time to move on.
Prash and I went up the amazing paekakariki hill for one last time before we left wellington. Sort of doing the ritual tour around the favourite spots/restaurants/places that are special because they evoke a certain feeling when i revist them. I have a list of them. Like i have a list for everything. Thats whats been worrying me oflate.
This have a list business. I have a plan for each day somedays for everyhour. So much that i cud write down the instructions and some1 else can easily lead my life for me that day. I have forgotten how it used to be when i had no plans for a day. No to-do list to finish. Hopefully in a week i need not a have a list. whether i will have one or not. I dont know. Atleast i dont know something about next week!. I guess thats good for start in my quest for change, no? Oh ya Paekakariki. I still remember the first time up there i was over the moon. the vast expanse of water , the kapiti island, flat lands across to paraparaumu. and the amazing highway next to the waves. The big hill with sheep spots. It was perfect. It was heaven. It still is. But I know it. I cant feel it anymore . Not just there but everywhere else. Milford sound for god's sake, seemed OK this time. For both of us. As beautiful as NZ is, there is only so much i can take in. Its sort of reassuring in someways that ya i need a change of place to atleast appreciate this better. So may be its bye bye NZ forever. but then nothing is forever no?