Gokulashtami

As a child, my favorite festivals were Gokulashtami and Deepavali. Gokulashtami because it's universally appealing that a child God overpowered demons and was looked upon by the adults of a village to help them in times of trouble. It was also the one festival that stretched the most in duration in our house. Mom's kitchen started bustling with activity from weeks before in prep for chakli, kodbale, sweet undes etc. We'd get the broken trial chaklis, the not so round peanut laddoos in the lead up to the festival day. The evening of the festival, Dad would give us chores like cutting the thread to different lengths to tie the sweets and savouries to the mantapa. My brother and I looked forward to this evening so much and worked well as a team. The mantapa used to look mesmerizing with colored light bulbs, aroma of fried and sweet food mixed with fragrant flowers. At night, we'd all wear new clothes, dress up and install the idol and look at the pooje in awe. A short, simple and the only pooje ritual I remember my parents performed in the whole year. 

Festival lunches and dinners were always elaborate and had predictable favorite food items. Every year mom would make something my brother or I or Dad would have expressed desire to eat as an addition. We almost always had guests. Someone not celebrating in their house because they are mourning the loss of a loved one or someone that has been busy to prep or just come over to our house because festivals were about family and good food as much as they were about God in my parents' household. 

The mantapa stayed put for 3 or 5 days. Every night my brother and I would take turns to switch the lights on/off. Every morning we'd both wake up and rush to see if little Krishna came to life and ate something that was dangling in the mantapa. The heavy fruits like apple or a grape from a bunch would have fallen down on to the bed of flowers and we'd invariably say see Krishna's eaten that! We both of course knew it was not true but it did not deter us from this activity year on year. By the day mantapa came down, I remember feeling sad and mom would typically take it down when we were at school so Krishna would magically have gone back to the devaramane and the dwindled flowers and fruit all gone. The fried sweet and savory food though lasted weeks after! I did not appreciate how much effort it took to make those, then. Today, I made a traditional festival meal that my grandmother would call very simple but in my household is considered elaborate. I involved K as a helper in the kitchen, Prash gave her a few tasks to do around the version of mantapa we set up. She drew Krishna hejje- baby Krishna's feet from the doorstep to the mantapa. I will wipe a step or 2 out tonight before she wakes up in the morning. She'll look for the steps and point out the missing ones and say look Krishna's walked on that and erased the chalk step. We will both know it's not true but it won't matter 😊. 

I like this festival as a grown up now. The shlokas, songs and smell of agarbhatti makes it as special as it was when I was child. 

2021 - An year of Losses

I lost a lot last year.

My father-in-law.

My grandmother.

My connection with friends as I moved cities

My ability and eventually desire to run long distances.

My belongings in a car break-in.

My father-in-law:

Stories are easy to share when the end is known. There's no more ambiguity in the details. There is no more a possibility of a different ending. As the last doors of hope shut and grief took hold with certainity, I was sad beyond words.

Loss of a person is a void we try to fill with memories, slowly the good light hearted moments sift up to the top and we consume sips of it, like the first coffee in the morning. I recollect many such and they bring a smile mostly....the conversation with him the day I got married was us talking about how 'father-in-law' is a befitting name given he was a lawyer - and him making faces at me saying it shud be 'father-by-law' but who cares, u r as good as my daughter now, lets leave the law out. How he managed to talk to me - amidst the flame and smoke and a 1000 voices in that marriage hall, with my mother-in-law ailing in the sidelines, I don't know. But I knew he meant it and told me that because he wanted to - at that precise moment. He was like that - deliberate and calculated - in every action, every conversation.

My earliest memories of him are from when I was in 9th standard- uncle used to come home with dad after work some days for an evening snack. He exuded power! commanding respect wherever he went, confident in his stride, poetic with his words, mature in his thoughts, caring in his actions.How we went from there to here, I will never understand but a part of me will miss looking up to him as I did from those days.

My grandmother.

My earliest memory of her is from link road house as akkayya ajji.Coming home from school was more fun when we had grandparents visiting us. Dili, me, aakkayya ajji and thatha used to play chauka baara or pagde. At night when we were young children, she used to start telling a story or a song and she always fell asleep before we did 😃.

I remember summer holidays in Madihalli and paati doing sagni floor, also sitting outside dressed up every evening and talking to everyone on their way to the temple. Rest of their visits to 15th cross and 8th cross house is blur in my mind as I think Dili and I were busy with school+ activities. The next clear memory of paati is in athe's house after thatha was gone. Patiently tending to my niece and being deeply involved in TV serial characters and enjoying variety of food that either she or athe cooked. In all these memories, I don't remember her being rushed or flustered at all... Be it working in the kitchen or doing any other chore. Even the pace and pitch at which she talked seemed controlled, never too excited or animated. She was always calm if not smiling and her face hardly ever tensed. She took her time and did things at her own pace. Much like how she spent her full time with dad and mom before passing away. Am so sorry for our loss Dad and losing ur mother no matter at what age, must be very difficult. Of course with time life adjusts to the absence of her persona I know. I feel better already on day 4 and acceptance of her natural end is going to be easy too, much like how easy was to interact with her when she was alive.

Moving away from friends in Auckland- 

When someone asks do you have family here, it's impossible to say no when we have you all wrapped around us like family. Thank you for being with us during our laughs and cries, the good and bad times. There's a popular saying- actually a line from a poem.. It goes like this: 

Iruvudellava bittu irududaredege thudivude jeevana.. And roughly translates to... essence of life is discounting everything we have and desiring for what we don't yet have. Looks like every few years we crave for a change of this nature to chase new experiences and we give into our urge to move to explore and travel.Auckland, Kannada Koota, shaale all these have added so many dimensions to our growth and experiences over the last few years. Khushi's developed her personality growing up amidst great friendships and love she's recieved here.

We have created and curated some great memories we will take with us now. And am sure those memories are going to help us get through the next few months while we find our footing in a new city.

Other:

Amongst other things losing the ability to run long distances hit me hard - things we take for granted until we can't! and then try to compensate for it in other ways, replace it with suboptimal options, struggle with substitutes until u stumble upon something else that can bring equal joy and calm. I dont know if that's yoga but atleast I feel like the struggle has stopped.

Car break-in - unheard of and shocking! how terrifying it was, I can't even imagine now....why Prash went back to the car and picked up the passports alone, I won't be able to reason but will for a long time be thankful to whatever sparked that thought in his mind. Auckland went into lockdown the day after we left and dint open borders for over 6 months, after all that effort we put into moving, I'd be a wreck if I had to stay back because someone stole our stuff.

Our life in Melbourne started in an Airbnb, explaining to the insurance company that we really are filing for a claim half an hour before our insurance was set to expire and have never had to claim before....