Silence...

Is it the new blog syndrome that i am into?? I ask myself when i get up at 2.15 :33 by my cell n wonder wat i would write next in my new created black screened blog.Start thinkin of all things one by one.It was supposed to be a place of permanence to the evanescent thoughts of a moment ...an outlet for all that gets clogged in my mind without any place to go. I could start whining spinelessly about the shortcomings around me and within me. Somehow there was a desire to write writewrite... write like hell. Have done that bfore.. when frustration had covered me up top to bottom completely.When i could not hit the ball badminton in the first shot to the other court.. when i lost the first election in my school...when i got the second rank for the first time in life in my high school..when i goofed up my maths CET paper... when i could not solve a prob with ease during my engg...when i felt like a worthless goose to take up a training as stupid as the one my company had given initially..when i missed my loved ones..Today it was not any of those.. there was something else
It was the 3rd time in this night that i had woken up.
The day had begun as fine as yesterday i started thinkin..The merry and the senseless banter that comes up spontaneously ..the quick wits ... and the fun that takes new shape each day had been around today morning also.But later somewhere the mind had caught it up.. the subconscious was disturbed by some occurence in the day.The detailed dissection of the activities was goin on in a part of the mindfactory that was forced to to do an O T today. When had the glee transitioned to gloom i dint know....so there had to be an overtime work for the mindfactory where every word i speak, every action i commit gets trapped and shall be prosecuted in the mind's court if nythin has been wrong.On such days there is no silence within.The arguments for and against the action/words continue for long long hrsss when i am to sit n watch it as if it was not me who did it.. then finally a verdict is given.. n then am free.. if i have wronged..then the corrective measures are also suggested alongwith..else if am right then a sense of victory pervades till next such trial.Today there was one session runnin.. n that was the reason for the disturbed sleep ..the arguments.. it was right.. there was no other way...this was the best thin to do...oh the other ways would have been disastrous... There was utter chaos..the trials in the mind can be traumatic .To get a clean chit is very difficult from ur mind's court, where u r the judge, u r the culprit, u r the defender.It has to be neat .There is no way u can slip away by faking evidences for it is urself that u r trying to prove to. The night seemed extremely dark...darker than most of the nights as if to signify the gloominess that i was drowned into tonite....I saw my cell phone that was predominantly dormant during most part of most days. The activities on it were mainly the alarm in the mornin.. the call register to make or take the calls , which mostly were from same people and same numbers.. and of late the stop watch .My cell phone...the tiny thing.. soem1z brainchild .. some founders pride ... looked a pain to me.I had sat staring at it for hrs..waitin waitin n jus waitin....mostly in vain for it to ring.I remember sittin on this chair and holdin it tight .. carefully lookin at it every 10 min to check if the 6 black boxes on the left of its display are all visible.The anxiety would subside only then thinkin if ny1 of them calls .. they shall not have to listen to .."the airtel u have called is not reachable..please try later" I always wanted to be reachable to them.I always was.... i shouted with this as the evidence...Its not my fault if they dint call up then..The calls on the cell phone.. after i had bought one.. mostly for them and in the pre cell phone days mails were the only means through which they could reach me.There was a time when i used to sit in a net centre, my mail box open... hopin to c a kinda activity there.A new message window ' u have a new mail' would cause my heart to race faster and almost skip a beat as if it was for them that my heart beat than myself.More often than not, the new mail would be a spam r an idiotic fwd..At times like that i had cried..i wanted to cry now.. but the ocean of tears was contained deep within.. stopped by the heart that had almost bcome a stone wall strong enough to stop the tears outburst.Stopped bcoz the tears had no permission to flow out till the jury reached on a concensus.The verdict is ready...given the circumstantial constraints i give it a pass...there is joy and happiness coming back ..celebration started off with a fine joke.. that was a tough one to come through clean i had argued to defend myself..am laughing loudly ..and the mind's judge bangs the hammer n shouts SILENCE...n i woke up for the 4th time...to see that a new day had begun....There was silence inside now.. calm ..serene.. and a smile on the face..also i knew wat i would write in my new blog today:)

I've Got Mail..:)!!!

Some mails are not jus messages of 'hi' r acknowledgements. wtf am i blaberrin.. well am damn excited about "The mail" i got today :)never knew a single mail could make ur day :)phew!
Came to office waving a rather unwilling and forced bye to the long happening weekend:(.The mail box could become a mess of shit if u dont check it frequently.Well this frequently could vary very much.It could be once a week for my momz mail box.. Once a day for my frd's mail box and if u r at office , u check mails every hour and if u r utterely jobless (like me currently) then every ..well it cannot b pinned down on the time scale.I could at best remote it to say jus keep minimizing and maximizin it ..with of course the breaks, which would be when u actually get a mail.Umm a mail would be a forward most probably.. It would b about the subtle happenings in ur life.. in ur boss's life ..hell who cares ny1z life as long as it makes for a good read u dont mind reading it and faithfully forwarding it further...some bcoz of fear that u may loose everythin u have now by tmrw mornin if u dint fwd this to x ple( u r hapy if x is a single digit number or else u haveto cc it to x-few ple;)).Some bcoz u like it and assume all ur other frds would like it too .. some bcoz u r used to fwding the fwds cumon yaar cant help it! And some with clear n honest intentions of telling ur frds that they r still on ur mailing list.The last one would happen if ur hopelessly caught up in ur project.The number of fwds is inversely proportional to ur workload at office.Well i tried this also for the last one week..i just have been mailing around my entire gang of frds that they r jus puzzled .Some ple have even replied back with empathies tellin of their stories of joblessness.I saw my outlook say u have 84 unread mails ... (my face glew with joy at this)yippy! here i go ..the murderer springing up to action all set to kill about two hours of time.I start off with the mails in the order..First mail.. happy Janmashtamii to krishna.. yeah it was a gr8 grand festival.The gourmet in me satiated with all sumptuous varieties of eatables.yummmm y do such festivals not come often.the second mail.. f*ing spammers have no better biz under the sun r wat.. grrrrrrrrrrr some one sent a fwd regarding student loans.For a second i roar am no more a studentttt .. but then i think of CAT may b.. i tell myself i would b a student in a classroom again.. as i click to check the next..i say thanx to this mouse that me think of CAT.Most of the days wat i do is a ctrl+A followed by shift+del..today wanted to check all mails ..A,B,C,D and heyyy!!!!! there it wasssssssss .For a second i could not believe my mail box..My mail box..
the only one i have to my rescue at this godforsaken place...
The mail box that always bounced when ur closest frd sent u a long mail wet with tears and cries asking for an immediate help ..
The mail box that never ever failed when ur PL shouted at u sending a red mail...
The holy mail box carryin forward all gods fwds from one mail box to another hurriedly...as if a sacred offering was takin place...
The only frd of the worklessssss plee...i jus love my mail box. So many msgs so many nice things.. yeah the problem with ur office id is ur PL,ML,PM every1 mails up there.so not all is nice.Sometimes reading a mail gives u feelin soem1z sittin right above ur head ready to drop the sword on ur head if u dint complete a task nowwww and u sit up straight, close ur mail boxx and start gettin to work.Aha comin back to my mailll today.Generally the long huge mails my frds send are a thing of joy to me and amazement for my colleagues at office who always joked saying who would spend time on writing essays to u ...Hell none of this was on my mind.. jus a lil apprehension.. a lil excitement.. a tinge of anxiety... butterflies in ur stomach ....I click open.. its about 6 r 7 lines. i read each line with damn gr8 excitement.A day can get happenin coz of mail u c More so when u dint expect as much as u expected sun to rise in west :).. dint know it till today.yuhoo !! I've got mail... and am all smiles about it.:))))))

Cliché

The new place.The new comp.The new monitor.The new chair.The new page am typing on ...wait a minute .. wat is new about it?
Looks like the words are propping up from below the texpad onto it ,rather than from my head.Nothing new about it..Someone has used it before.. the place seems to come to life and i seem to feel.....

wat i read has been read before .
wat i write has been written before.
wat i like has been liked before .
wat i dislike has been disliked before .
wat i say has been said before .
wat i hear has been heard before .
wat i cry for has been cried for before .
wat i laugh at has been laughed at before .
wat i win has been won before .
wat i loose has been lost before .
wat i learn has been learnt before .
wat i teach has been taught before.
wat i love has been loved before .
wat i hate has been hated before .

And....

wat i read has been written before .
wat i write has been read before .
wat i like has been disliked before.
wat i dislike has been liked before .
wat i say has been heard before .
wat i hear has been said before .
wat i cry for has been laughed at before .
wat i laugh at has been cried for before .
wat i win has been lost before .
wat i loose has been won before .
wat i learn has been taught before .
wat i teach has been learnt before .
wat i love has been hated before .
wat i hate has been loved before .

This life is a cliché. It has been lived before..I am not the first , nor am I the last.
Just as i finish this, in my mind i reread the above sentences prefixing them with "wat if "
and i smile to myself but..I have never EXPERIENCED it before..

The Grown Up Way!;)

Hop outta office:), go home listing down mentally the never ending list of "To Do..things" some that are of immediate concern , Some that can get spilled over to next day and some that r spilt over from yesterday.With bon jovi singing (sing??!!! is wat bon jovi does called singing?? then wat do u call wat sudha raghunathan does? some how there seems to be a distinction between the two forms in my mind.bon jovi rocks man! yo! the others sing..i tell myself as if to signify sing was a thing that was peaceful and pleasant restricted to the kinds of Jagjit singh, udit narayan etc etc folks whereas to rock is to energise, listen with head bangs to iron maiden or Linkin park and let ur mom feel u have taken to violence beyond her imagination) loud into my ears i walked up to my room.She says.. u freshened up?
me:hell no!! am looking so awful ??..that i need wash (now that feels like an old car ..left uncared for coz the owner is too busy taking it for a ride all the time.)
I know that the first thing u want after a long tiring sunny day is a splash of cold water on ur face....that is available in the common wash basin below.I walk down without talkin much wanting no more comments to make myself feel that I am the definition of dirty.The food is ready.. dining table laid out clean and neat with the new coasters that the land lady has brought.The curtains washed clean .. I feel good about it ...walk to the wash room.Switch on the dim light near the wash basin.. without looking at myself in the mirror n before the light is turned on fully turn the tap on .. splash water ..feels heaven.ahh!I jus look up n am a lil confused.. hell wats happened to my faceeee(panic).. it seemed perfectely fine in the morning when i left for office..Now its White n blueeee.. as i opened my eyes.. I saw clearly n thanked my stars!!;) it was a note stuck on the mirror not my face that I saw initially...The mirror is a huge one.can accomodate 3 plez images at the same time..While i saw myself n assured that it was jus the strain of the sleepness over the week that had manifested as black patches below my eyes rest of my face was parts in place.. i took the note to my hand.Umm irritated.. frustrated...angry....calmed...determined...happy. The series of emotions that ran thru me.. in that order.
Irritated...coz it seemed the only emotion possible from a humane perspective when any1 read a note"PLEASE SPIT INSIDE THE WASH BASIN" in big bold letters .. on a full size A4 sheet.With a blue gel pen..giving away clearly that it has been traced and run over twice.. as if the words would carry more stress if u trace them over again
Frustrated ..coz the note is addresssed to "DEEPA ,X , Y ,Z.." ur name is the first.
Angry..Well u dont have to think i am a narcissitic ,self obsessed, arrogant, immature, idiot..(phew! have i run outta adjectives;)!) for having this emotion..for any of us who has had a fairly comfortable upbringing wash basin is not new:) Have i ever know the raison de etre y the wash basins were made.. have i ever used it bfore..did i ever grow up washing my face in the wash basin first thing when i get up , last thing bfore i sleep and innumerable times in between ..more so when u r in the 'hot sun at his best' city
Calmed..coz i realised that its only the landladywho has put this horrible thing up there and I know the landlady is all nuts;) .I guess she has lost most of them over the years.Crazy ple can drive u mad at times. Godd!!! pleaseeeee lemme not get affected by ny..I said to myself as I called out"hey the rajma smells yumm...n ur fave ..pal... by KK is playin on TV.. would u cum down.."
Determined.. that I would answer back.I quickly ran over the options in my head
1)"spit around everywhere in the house possible....;) as a symbol of revolt"- nayy dismissed this option as being childish and more over am concerned about the cleanliness and hygiene of the place i live around
2)Ring up that woman and jus start off shouting as soon as she picks up... "Hey u old hag jus listen up okei? I am not here to take in any of this shit u have written up ..U better come here and apoliogise for this atrotious note of urs and then hang up bfore even she decides on how to react;)"- next she would call up home n say i cant manage ur illmannered hooligan daughter..then parents callin up....hey darlin righteous would u jus stop bein the harbinger of ur folks wherever u get put up.Plz dont land us in such trouble time and again coz of ur social services. ehh doesnt sound gr8;)God y dint u make me a little bolderrr??!!!
3) Is wat i did:) I took a white paper. . blue gel pen..(Ah did i personify revenge at that moment;)) "Hi Maa'm, Well a note of thanks first. Its been very nice of u to educate me on the etiquette of using the wash basin.I guess a part of the note got torn in between or went missing .. coz am at a loss to see the instruction for the rest of the crowd to strictly abstain from spitting inside the basin.Ur note very clearly conveys that only we, the adressees of the note are supposed to spit inside the basin , and other crowd(which mostly uses it) is supposed not to do so... indicating that they should strictly spit outside the basin..failing which u shall b very annoyed for not maintaing the rules and regulations of the house.Have a nice day , Thanx a milloin and yeah please do put up the other note. C u on sunday (smiley with the most sarcastic smile possible under the sun) Deepa" Ah! a feeling of having won over! serves her right i think to myself and called all frds of mine in the house and announced "Hey ple I am goin to put this note on the mirror back.."
There is one girl very adamant that i should not put this up and it would put all of us in soup.. after all we were staying in the landladyz house and dint wanna invite ny troubles from her.. a whole lotta other reactions including a few grins and laughs.. finally the note goes up:(. I drifted into my other "To Do .. things.." recollecting from my mental note.It was only late in the night when we were laughing at a joke that i saw the note and then the mirror ..if only that note was on the mirror rather than the dustbin below the mirror in my room on the first floor...
Sunday morning i see the landlady and deep inside have a feeling of superiority as if i had humbled her..pardoned her for her acts after she had begged me for ages to forgive(lol!:)))).Feeling grown up and so much matured not to take small things beyond...
Happy ...coz i was Beaming with pride over a feeling of maturity coz of my grown up way of reacting to the whole thing :)

Mundane Monday Mornings??!!

The dawn broke early today.The first rays of the sun on my face ..soothingly pleasant.I Welcum the day with a soft embrace ..raising my hands to touch the sky.The pinkish golden sky with blue rays penetrating.. looks like someone has played with colors all night through.The maths book shouting at me.ytf dont u start off baby.. alligations is an important chapter.oh hell i forget the purpose of waking up early so fast and get carried away so easily.My roomy wakes up turning twisting and not very willingly .She looks at me n raises her brows surprised at the fact am awake before her and exercising also(wats wrong with this woman she must have thought)."goooood mornin " i say in my usual hyperactive tone.She responds"y does it have to bcome morning so early" with strechin all over the bed. I was in a recovered state.. having just finished my post-sleep resting .I need rest after sleep and dreams :) more importantly.After all sleeping is no game . Its a serious task that manages to take away atleast a sizeable amount of the meagre 24hrs of a day that we are given.
The daily rituals took place amidst my cribbings of y she cannot bathe twice and tell me i am clean enough , y cant she brush twice.. once for herself and once for me.Then the tea..which is devoid of anythin nearing saccharine ...and is tea only bcoz of its called tea by Uma.. whose screeching voice manges to wake me up even from the deepest of my slumbers;)
Yeah after a whole of activities that seem never ending.. finally i am office ready.We were sitting in the living room and having breakfast...NDTV:"India has lost the match to xyz.."one girl talks aloud continuing to chew the hot dosa ..Indians never win a match these days..it kinda puts me off early in the morning.. y dont u change ..Switch channels..therez zoomTV in which salman has bared his chest and is findin for jane jana.Ah how nice a job it would have been for me to go n help him search his jana than to go to that sick office cribs one.Next channel...i look up from the paper wow i love this song.. bheege honth therey... i dunno the singer..;)start hummin with it " pyasa dil mera..".Generally she hums up with me.. i suddenly realised shez starin at me with a piece of dosa fallen from her mouth to her hand..deepu stop it.. change.. in a low voice as if to avoid the others noticing that shez tellin me ..turnin her head in a particular direction slightly bent.."look there".Oh my gawd!!! there he was ..in one end of the room sittin on a chair ,Umaz father.He mus fairly b 70+.He was watching the TV .. uff mallika in almost nothin attire(attrie??!!! wherez that ?;)).Wonder wat the designer would have had to for the song;)eeshhh i looked at the old man .. n then at the TV.. took the remote hastily pressing it with all my might.. oooooo its not workin bloody..Dunno y such things have to happen at this time. I jus hoped he had no reaction to give...after a second r 2 i again saw the chair , by now having successfully changed back to "Sachin scored 55 runs..the highest amongst the Indians.." with a kinda relief.. only to realise he had got up n started walkin to the dining hall.
I jus shut up and gulped down wat was left in the plate and took my handbag .. was almost out of the house when it so happened i almost barged into him.Ah now! I dint want this did I?.He was standin right in front of me.I looked down.. well not exaclty with a "sorry abt it" thing on my mind but definitely a lil embarassed thinkin of "TV episode".. on one side of my mind I was like oh cumon it was only Mallika on TV not myslef out there..forget it..Another side was like.. wat would be on his mind... these shameless girls... his eyes seemed to say somethin like.. r u girls born outta ur mother's womb ??dint u have any kinda parental guidance during ur formative years??The floor was cracked below.. I was feelin that there shud b an earthquake and i shud jus seep into the earth n hideeee or the crack shud widen apart to accomodate The Pacific in between us so that he cannot c my face..and more importantly the TV and the boldness of Mallika on screen;)
Phew i jus slipped outta the house into an auto off to ffice and smiled to myself thinking of the way the day began.Some mondays are not jus mundane......:)

The Passing Thoughts

The passing clouds bring in almost a hope of rain, but they make sure that the hope is killed and pass away pleasantly .The birds chriping and fluttering wings pass.. on top of the huge buildings.. the time ticking away in my brown wristwatch seems to pass .. seems to tell me something .. the tone low, a heavy voice from within.. 3 months to pass...90 days to pass ..it seems to tell. I have decided to write CAT his year around.I dunno if i will be able to 'finish it fine' or 'CRACK CAT' as it is talked of , in the lingo of the CAT takers which today is half of umm.. well most of Indiaz eligible junta .Took the first mock CAT today.There was nothin negative about it nor was there anythin inspiring.I guess it makes no difference to many.I look around away from the Reading Comprehension passage where a persuasive writer is trying to talk about the slackish Economy of Singapore and Honk- Kong(Wonder wat difference it makes to me.. if China has more potential to grow and Hong Kong is lacking somethin.. of course other than getting those 5 questions below the passage 'right'). The beautiful sunday evening on the terrace..Its the dusk that has arrived with such beautiful grandeur. An aircraft is flying right above my head with lights red, blue and orange ..shimmering and makin a lotta noise.. i think to myself the pilot knows where to reach and more importantly how to reach:).There is a granny sitting on the opposite terrace musingly starting and wondering at somethin.She looks a little helpless for all i can decipher from the wrinkled saggy face and her white , mind u not grey but white hair that is tied in a knot with a black rubber band holdin it all together.She has a pair of glasses in one hand, a book that she has closed with a finger to mark where she stopped .I wonder y she stopped.May be bcoz its getting dark and she would not want to tire her bespectaled eyes any more or bcoz she is mulling over a thought that was put across in that book or simply bcoz she did not feel like reading.I wonder how it would be if u can control wat u "feel". Most things in life can be predetermined...I say to myself. I think to the girl sitting here and washing clothes , standing on her knees.. i can see the lather flowin down the outlet, it makes no difference that there was a mock CAT today.. and that there was a tough paper coz of which there is a dejected soul waiting to pounce upon the idiot who had set that paper equipped with all his intellectual armoury and whose sole purpose seems to have been reached with the dejection effect.But it does make a difference to the soul pacing around hastily all over tryin to shake away the blanket of sleep .It does make a difference to me who is writin this ...I really need to wakkkkeeee uppp ..uuuAAhhhhhhhaaahhhhaaa am awake and yeah! all set to shake the dust off, piled up inches on my grey cells thanks to the long period of mathematical inactivity .Coming back to the predetermination of things.. i said it in the context of the results of this exam.I will not have it bogging me down .I have made up my mind that it shall not affect me any negatively.Mathematically speaking i would define it as x such that x>=0 ;).Ahh am picking it up aint i?:)