Silence...

Is it the new blog syndrome that i am into?? I ask myself when i get up at 2.15 :33 by my cell n wonder wat i would write next in my new created black screened blog.Start thinkin of all things one by one.It was supposed to be a place of permanence to the evanescent thoughts of a moment ...an outlet for all that gets clogged in my mind without any place to go. I could start whining spinelessly about the shortcomings around me and within me. Somehow there was a desire to write writewrite... write like hell. Have done that bfore.. when frustration had covered me up top to bottom completely.When i could not hit the ball badminton in the first shot to the other court.. when i lost the first election in my school...when i got the second rank for the first time in life in my high school..when i goofed up my maths CET paper... when i could not solve a prob with ease during my engg...when i felt like a worthless goose to take up a training as stupid as the one my company had given initially..when i missed my loved ones..Today it was not any of those.. there was something else
It was the 3rd time in this night that i had woken up.
The day had begun as fine as yesterday i started thinkin..The merry and the senseless banter that comes up spontaneously ..the quick wits ... and the fun that takes new shape each day had been around today morning also.But later somewhere the mind had caught it up.. the subconscious was disturbed by some occurence in the day.The detailed dissection of the activities was goin on in a part of the mindfactory that was forced to to do an O T today. When had the glee transitioned to gloom i dint know....so there had to be an overtime work for the mindfactory where every word i speak, every action i commit gets trapped and shall be prosecuted in the mind's court if nythin has been wrong.On such days there is no silence within.The arguments for and against the action/words continue for long long hrsss when i am to sit n watch it as if it was not me who did it.. then finally a verdict is given.. n then am free.. if i have wronged..then the corrective measures are also suggested alongwith..else if am right then a sense of victory pervades till next such trial.Today there was one session runnin.. n that was the reason for the disturbed sleep ..the arguments.. it was right.. there was no other way...this was the best thin to do...oh the other ways would have been disastrous... There was utter chaos..the trials in the mind can be traumatic .To get a clean chit is very difficult from ur mind's court, where u r the judge, u r the culprit, u r the defender.It has to be neat .There is no way u can slip away by faking evidences for it is urself that u r trying to prove to. The night seemed extremely dark...darker than most of the nights as if to signify the gloominess that i was drowned into tonite....I saw my cell phone that was predominantly dormant during most part of most days. The activities on it were mainly the alarm in the mornin.. the call register to make or take the calls , which mostly were from same people and same numbers.. and of late the stop watch .My cell phone...the tiny thing.. soem1z brainchild .. some founders pride ... looked a pain to me.I had sat staring at it for hrs..waitin waitin n jus waitin....mostly in vain for it to ring.I remember sittin on this chair and holdin it tight .. carefully lookin at it every 10 min to check if the 6 black boxes on the left of its display are all visible.The anxiety would subside only then thinkin if ny1 of them calls .. they shall not have to listen to .."the airtel u have called is not reachable..please try later" I always wanted to be reachable to them.I always was.... i shouted with this as the evidence...Its not my fault if they dint call up then..The calls on the cell phone.. after i had bought one.. mostly for them and in the pre cell phone days mails were the only means through which they could reach me.There was a time when i used to sit in a net centre, my mail box open... hopin to c a kinda activity there.A new message window ' u have a new mail' would cause my heart to race faster and almost skip a beat as if it was for them that my heart beat than myself.More often than not, the new mail would be a spam r an idiotic fwd..At times like that i had cried..i wanted to cry now.. but the ocean of tears was contained deep within.. stopped by the heart that had almost bcome a stone wall strong enough to stop the tears outburst.Stopped bcoz the tears had no permission to flow out till the jury reached on a concensus.The verdict is ready...given the circumstantial constraints i give it a pass...there is joy and happiness coming back ..celebration started off with a fine joke.. that was a tough one to come through clean i had argued to defend myself..am laughing loudly ..and the mind's judge bangs the hammer n shouts SILENCE...n i woke up for the 4th time...to see that a new day had begun....There was silence inside now.. calm ..serene.. and a smile on the face..also i knew wat i would write in my new blog today:)