I love you most now.
I was scared for you in the beginning. Such a tiny bundle you were . how i felt like i protected you in my womb ...as if you would never have to be on ur own and suddenly how could it be possible for you to sleep on ur own, cry and roll and breathe once u were detached from me. It was very confusing at first ...those sleepless nights were partly to blame. Then slowly u started to amuse me. How u smiled when i least expected you to. at 4 am :) how you waved ur hands making shapes that u wanted to catch hold of. how you rolled on ur tummy and hit ur nose but only once and then figured out u needed to lift ur neck.It was all a great amusement to me. How did u do it? Then i started feeling the bond. When i fed you. when u wanted only me to be by you. when nobody else but me could console you. I started feeling for you. almost like falling in love for the first time. Not knowing what to expect. Not knowing at all in fact that i am slowly falling in love with you.
Then you started entertaining me. with those gurgling noises, with the way u tried u mouth the toys .. show anger, tiredness and happiness.Ya u were definitely entertaining me then. those days in Mangalore when we had the whole afternoons to ourselves. I used to wonder if ur voice would be melodious ?how long would your hair grow? will ur nose grow long like mine or stay like his.Once we came back here I was very concerned for you. Suddenly it was just us all day. I had to feed you pureed food , sing u songs and make u sleep and do all this based on my instincts or the clock.I was concerned how you would call for help if you got a blanket on ur nose..how would you ask for food? how would you tell me you need a cuddle and nothing else now. somehow in ur own way u did. U started talking to me. through ur eyes at first and then through actions and noises. Pointing at what u liked and smiling. U were growing. and i was growing closer to you each day. Our day trips to the library, times sitting by the beach listening to the waves and seeing the boats. Last summer that was wasnt it. Then u started crawling and walking and running bfore i could figure out how u did it u started calling me "ma". It dint tug my heart then. I had expected to cry the day u talk. I dint ...may be because i was still in disbelief? slowly the words became a melody. U became my doll. Next i was scared to leave you with jiji and go off to work. How could you get by even a minute without me or him next to you. I mean how is it possible? But you took to them like fish would to water and suddenly life was beautiful. There was always a story to look forward to when i came back from work. U transformed from a teenyweeny to a baby.
My daughter. Then the dreaded daycare .I dint sleep for nights and cried a few as well.The day i felt "fear" was ur first day alone at early years. I was truly scared. In a new place, with new people talking to you in a new language how how how how am I going to justify leaving you there?
but guess what you loved the place. Never have you cried in the last 5 months to go there.
U started talking "A LOT". Learnt the ways , the language, the accent , the routine. How do you do it?
Please can you tell me someday?
Its nearly your next bday. The new milestone. I love you now. like i have never loved you bfore.
The way u say bubby. those long surprising sentences, your mischievousness love it all.
Sometimes i wonder how much u have taught me in these 2 years. The journey on this road back to my innocence where you take me and what i become when you are with me.I wonder who the strong mother is and who the dependent helpless child. Its amazing.
I was scared for you in the beginning. Such a tiny bundle you were . how i felt like i protected you in my womb ...as if you would never have to be on ur own and suddenly how could it be possible for you to sleep on ur own, cry and roll and breathe once u were detached from me. It was very confusing at first ...those sleepless nights were partly to blame. Then slowly u started to amuse me. How u smiled when i least expected you to. at 4 am :) how you waved ur hands making shapes that u wanted to catch hold of. how you rolled on ur tummy and hit ur nose but only once and then figured out u needed to lift ur neck.It was all a great amusement to me. How did u do it? Then i started feeling the bond. When i fed you. when u wanted only me to be by you. when nobody else but me could console you. I started feeling for you. almost like falling in love for the first time. Not knowing what to expect. Not knowing at all in fact that i am slowly falling in love with you.
Then you started entertaining me. with those gurgling noises, with the way u tried u mouth the toys .. show anger, tiredness and happiness.Ya u were definitely entertaining me then. those days in Mangalore when we had the whole afternoons to ourselves. I used to wonder if ur voice would be melodious ?how long would your hair grow? will ur nose grow long like mine or stay like his.Once we came back here I was very concerned for you. Suddenly it was just us all day. I had to feed you pureed food , sing u songs and make u sleep and do all this based on my instincts or the clock.I was concerned how you would call for help if you got a blanket on ur nose..how would you ask for food? how would you tell me you need a cuddle and nothing else now. somehow in ur own way u did. U started talking to me. through ur eyes at first and then through actions and noises. Pointing at what u liked and smiling. U were growing. and i was growing closer to you each day. Our day trips to the library, times sitting by the beach listening to the waves and seeing the boats. Last summer that was wasnt it. Then u started crawling and walking and running bfore i could figure out how u did it u started calling me "ma". It dint tug my heart then. I had expected to cry the day u talk. I dint ...may be because i was still in disbelief? slowly the words became a melody. U became my doll. Next i was scared to leave you with jiji and go off to work. How could you get by even a minute without me or him next to you. I mean how is it possible? But you took to them like fish would to water and suddenly life was beautiful. There was always a story to look forward to when i came back from work. U transformed from a teenyweeny to a baby.
My daughter. Then the dreaded daycare .I dint sleep for nights and cried a few as well.The day i felt "fear" was ur first day alone at early years. I was truly scared. In a new place, with new people talking to you in a new language how how how how am I going to justify leaving you there?
but guess what you loved the place. Never have you cried in the last 5 months to go there.
U started talking "A LOT". Learnt the ways , the language, the accent , the routine. How do you do it?
Please can you tell me someday?
Its nearly your next bday. The new milestone. I love you now. like i have never loved you bfore.
The way u say bubby. those long surprising sentences, your mischievousness love it all.
Sometimes i wonder how much u have taught me in these 2 years. The journey on this road back to my innocence where you take me and what i become when you are with me.I wonder who the strong mother is and who the dependent helpless child. Its amazing.
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