Separation

It's 4 am and I cant sleep. For the last 6 weeks an alarm used to go off at this time every single morning. A neighbor aunt would wake up at this time n on some lucky days start rearranging furniture at that auspicious hour. It annoyed the life out of me. How could anyone be so inconsiderate? I was sure she woke up ppl in half a dozen houses around hers. They could be school going kids... Infants ... Tired parents .... Sick n insomniac old ppl that might have fallen asleep an hour before. I complianed to the mother that she should go speak to the said lady about it. Mom dismissed me saying its become a habit n does not bother her or anyone else. Now I think it's true. Today I miss that bloody alarm. In the silence of my home where i can hear the deep breaths of my daughter sleeping in the next room, I miss that noise... prayers from a mosque at 5, milkman's cycle at 5:30, sound of newspaper thrown into the gate at 6. Heck I dint need a clock ! I had so gotten used to these ridiculous things that are so removed from my life here that if I close my eyes I can still hear them, but I can't smell the filter coffee wafting through the house. The smell that signified that mom is up n will come find me soon.This week sleep will elude me, dreams will be disturbed n I will be restless.  The end of a vacation should have felt happier but this was to visit home n as always leaves me in this state. Makes me happy n sad at the same time.I am glad that is not part of my daily life anymore but I am sad that ppl I care deeply about endure it everyday. 

Leaving mom n dad back is the most painful thing. This near physical heart pinching feeling of hurt n pain ... The tears n emotions that I just can't stop. It sometimes makes me hate myself for the fact that I make this choice every single time. To stay this far away from them. I thought I will rationalize it this time .. after all I am here to parent my own lil one better.... So I will don the hat of a (strictly in-my-judgement) responsible/caring parent and not think of myself as their indifferent-child. Nope dint work. Their warmth, their effort, their forgiveness, their love and their care for me... these always come before their needs. May be it would be easier if they were a bit hard on me...A bit more judgmental n rude towards me... A bit more rigid n ununderstanding. But with each passing year I relate to them in certain aspects more n more. This separation makes me wonder why we make such discomforting choices. May be separations are what makes us value relationships more? I also know that this discomfort will soon transform into hope of next visit. The plans for which will start very soon given my over enthusiastic family's grand plans. 

My travelogues are mostly about cataloging the trivial details of my n the family's experiences. This time a part of it is going to be about the death/separation of an uncle. These named relationships... These ppl that are somehow connected to me by the threads neither of chose to but hold the ends of... When one let's go of their end, it automatically grounds the others.Dealing with death is humbling. Even the most hopeful n ambitious amongst us feel let down by life. The last time death of a family member affected me was that of the mother in law's... Many years ago... My naive self probably did not comprehend the sadness  of that conclusive final separation. The one that makes the living partner wish they had had 1 last nice cup of tea together or gone on that pilgrimage together or had one less fight. The plight of the one that gets left behind... Her cries, her disappointments, her wishes that now forever shall remain unfulfilled. How does anyone accept that? Such an unannounced and unexpected departure? Makes me believe there is perhaps a God in there somewhere, that gives the strength to keep one sane n then he creates time...'time' that magically seems to heal every grief. The other thing that I had not paid much attention to was the process of forced mourning rituals, as if there was a need to run a knife through an open and already bleeding wound. The obligations of living in a society. The craziness of certain actions.... The rules that probably have lost significance in current times but cause gut wrenching distress nevertheless. And here I was, thinking that the rituals to mark the beginning of a marriage were tedious!