What's new about another new year- the fact that it came by so fast - as if the years are accelerating and gaining momemtum. I certainly felt like I had no control over whatever was happening all through 2022.
I grew up, turned 40, gained weight, lost hair and changed in ways I never imagined possible. Like I have gone back a lot many years but lost my optmisim and energy along the way.
I also discovered the only company I enjoy the most is my own along with reading books. Books that are a consistent in my life. Wrapping up an year has always felt good. Recounting the good things, the achievements, the things we overcame and triumphed over. This year though, felt like I was short changed, like I did the hard work and all the slogging but never quite got any fruit of that effort. That surely must feel frustrating and on that count I feel normal.
The thoughts wander and settle in patterns...I learnt a lot about the people around me. I have a lot of friends when I am well and good. When I am agreeable and happy. I tested that theory a bit, some circumstances by chance and depressingly found out that I have not many friends. Not even the unshakable ones have shaken and moved away from me the minute I was not able to give the way I had. That hit me hard. That life is so unfair and so unforgiving when I stumble. I have only me to help me and pick me up. I am good in a support role as long as I don't need much.In arguments I need to cry and nearly die to be acknowledged. So I won't argue at all. I asked for respect, just a little bit of it and that was too much to ask. I became cynical this year. But that my dear is what turning 40 is about some would say.
I also had a lot of parties to celebrate turning 40. I went away with a few to Hunter valley and drank copious amounts of wine in September. Some of my girl friends from Auckland and Wellington came to celebrate with me for a weekend in October. My parents came early November and made it a point to ring in the birthday with me. I had a big get together organised at home for a large group of ppl in Melbourne. Khushi laughs at me saying I might end up having 40 different celebrations before the next birthday!
For all that went bad in 2022, I also had a set of good to balance it out. There is work to be done in 2023. I dont feel settled in Melbourne after over an year. It does not make me feel warm by wrapping itself around me the way NZ made me feel. For now, I am in a national park with my parents and my daughter is growing up to be a fine young lady with a sensible taste in picking books and music. I have much to be thankful for and think about how I can heal myself to feel as good I want to feel. After all, life's experiences of the year gone by should be shaping how one chooses to respond and feel to situations life presents in the upcoming year, isnt it ?
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